Learning to forgive

I get angry quite often. In traffic, at ex-boyfriends, at ignorant asses, at those damned slow cashiers. Not that I yell at people, I rather keep the words to myself and let stress accumulate.

But mostly I get angry at myself. Because of my clumsiness, my sensitivity, big mouth and my tendency to please or save people. Through the years I’ve learned to silence my inner critic and paralyzing self doubt with a bag full of tips&tricks, and usually these tools do their job nicely!

But there is this one thing, one issue I just can’t forgive myself for. It literally haunts me almost every day and makes me feel quite powerless and yep, angry.

Let’s start at the beginning: it’s not a secret that I’ve battled with eating disorders for about 15 years, both anorexia and bulimia nervosa. These mental diseases with physical consequences are hard to explain, because the causes and behaviorism can differ from patient to patient. Now, I was the kind of ‘addict’ that wanted to believe that everything that I put in my body (which was a maximum of 800cal, preferably less) had to come out again as fast as possible. I did this by purging and (ab)using diet pills/teas/powders and laxatives. I was exploiting my precious body, leaving it in a pretty bad, drained kinda state. I stopped menstruating for a while (luckily not permanently’, my stomach and throat are harmed by all the vomiting, my bowels became oversensitive from the diet meds, and actually my whole physical defense mechanism isn’t working as it should be, which makes me very susceptible for illnesses and stress related skin conditions like zona, herpes and psoriasis.

I don’t mean to sound harsh or overly dramatic, but this IS wat eating disorders do to you. This is how far the selfbullying can go. And thàt is exactly what invokes my anger, still until this day! I am (and always have been) a very idealistic person that fights injustice as much as she can. And while fighting external injustice, I was acting abusive towards my own body and spirit for more than a decade! Hypocritical much?

Although I’ve survived my eating disorders and I live a pretty healthy life nowadays, I still can’t forgive myself for my actions from the past.

Although I’ve survived my eating disorders and I live a pretty healthy life nowadays, I still can’t forgive myself for my actions from the past. Every time stress evokes another rash, every time my sensitive stomach makes me nauseous, every time I feel how much sleep my body and mind need, frustration takes over.

I wish I could let softness hug me on a daily base, but I’m not there yet. All I need is time to let my impatience slip away, to let anger lose its weight. Some day…

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